Irony:

The alarm that I once used to remember to take my birth control is now used to remind me to take my prenatal vitamin.


And, come to think of it, here's a design flaw: for these 9 months of pregnancy, I don't have to worry about birth control, but I'm not even interested in having sex anyway. Yuk it up, Mother Nature, yuk it up.

I'd rather eat a cupcake than a baby.

I finally decided it was time to let Maddy and Brady in on the big secret of their impending baby sibling. I wanted to make the moment special and celebratory, so I stopped by a bakery on my way home from work and picked out two chocolate cupcakes with enormous mounds of icing made to look like an underwater scene, complete with an orange-icing octopus on top. I led the kids over to the couch, handed them a cupcake each, and told them to sit down.

Me: "Tonight, we're having cupcakes to celebrate something very special happening to our family."
Maddy: "Where'd you get these cupcakes? You definitely didn't make this."
Brady: "Can I eat it?"
Me: "Yes. {Silence. Cupcake eating.) Well? Don'tcha want to know what we're celebrating?"
Maddy: "I thought we were celebrating because you got us cupcakes."
Me: "No, we're celebrating because something special is happening to our family."
Brady: "I know, Mommy! Cupcakes are weally special!"
Me: "No, not cupcakes, something else. Guess what? Our family is getting bigger!"
Maddy: "That's what happens when you eat a lot of cupcakes."
Me: "That's not what I mean. We're going to have a new person in our family!"
Brady: "Mom, I ate all my frosting!"
Maddy: "I ate all my frosting FIRST!"
Brady: "No you diddit!"
Maddy: "Yes, I did!"
Me: "Hey! Um, don't you want to know about the new person in our family?"
Maddy: "Only if it's a cat."
Me: "It's not a cat. You're going to have a little brother or sister!"
Maddy: "Well, I'm still going to be the oldest, right? Can I have another cupcake?"
Me: "No. Hey Brady, did you hear? You're going to have a baby brother or sister!"
Brady: "Baby Brother."
Me: "You don't get to pick."
Brady: "I want a baby brother. Can I have a baby brother for Christmas?"
Me: "It might be a baby brother, or it might be a baby sister. And it's not going to be for Christmas, Brady. Mommy has a baby in her belly right now!"
Brady: "WHAT? Mom! MOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING EATING LITTLE BABIES?"

The short story.

A very sweet, very well-meaning friend sent me an email this week saying "Let me know if you need anything!"

That's one of those questions you're not supposed to ask someone in my condition... because I really need:

*My house cleaned.
*My laundry done.
*My car washed.
*A personal assistant.
*My bills paid.
*My roots dyed.
*Pants that fit.
*Pizza, eggrolls, and Ocean Salad. Every Day.
*A pedicure.
*A nanny, at least part-time.
*A new DVR.

But really, I'd settle for someone to entertain me during my nightly routine of lying on my couch, miserable and unable to move.

Mother Nature To Host New Season Of Punk'd!

I knew I was pregnant long before the second line turned pink. I knew it the same way that I always know to pick the slowest lane at the grocery store. I knew it even though I didn't feel it, necessarily. How I felt was bloated, moody, narcoleptic, and manic- so let's just say that with that inconclusive list of symptoms, pregnancy was taking the easy way out. At that point, I hoped I was pregnant, because I don't think straight jackets are very flattering to my figure. (Well, neither is pregnancy, come to think of it.)

The test was more of a formality- a rite of passage. As the nurse sat with me in the claustrophobic office, I entertained the thought that maybe, maybe as the nurse was calculating my due date with that little wheel thingy, maybe, maybe Ashton Kutcher would burst into the room, knocking over the racks of phamplets about STDs and birth control options. Maybe the nurse is actually Ashton in disguise. Maybe there's a hidden camera behind the life-sized diagram of the female reproductive system. No, no Ashton Kutcher. No hidden camera. Just a plastic vagina on the desk, and baby in my belly.